The (Retired) King of Spin in Australian Governments


Australian taxpayers do not pay peanuts but do they still get...?

Biting Case Studies and Selected Documents




"We have all of the answers, what are the questions?", Smokey Mirrors, Director of Spin, Generic Political Party, Australia, 2010.

The origin of Smokey Mirrors
Another public interest web site on the
Mosaic Portal Network

Created by

Kevin Beck

Australian political and social commentator

Smokey's Assistants, key men of NSW Labor politics

My World My Space Activism

Thomas Aldrich, 19th Century, "The possession of unlimited power will make a despot of almost any man."

"One of the more sophisticated methods for influencing legislators is a practice known as 'grasstops' communications. In this, the PR agency will carefully identify the peer group of the target legislator or 'opinion former'. They will then hire one or more members of that group, friends or acquaintances of the target, to informally promote the PR message within the group - a 'district liaison'. In this way the agency aims to create for the target the artificial impression that 'everyone is talking about it' and that there is strong community support for the issue. With this method, legislators may not even realise that they are being lobbied." (Source: PR and Government, the Corporate Watch,

Consider this, according to the media in Australia, today April 6, 2010, some 4,000,000 people in the workforce are semi literate. How can they possibly understand the complex issues, policies, arguments and offerings of Australia's political leaders and governments? How easy is it for others to manipulate them with sophisticated local campaigns, public relations communication tools, the media and brain washing?

Who is Smokey Mirrors?

Read the content of this site in conjunction with
this Australian political cartoon site
click here

Smokey Mirrors is ubiquitious to all of Australia's governments and political parties

No matter which party is in government in Australia at state, federal or territory level, they all have a Smokey Mirrors clone/s. These are not lobbyists, these are people directly employed within the framework of political parties' machinery, governments, public services, instrumentalities and corporations.

In the last decade of the millennium the profession of
public relations, and communications, came to permeate every facet of the worlds governments and public services. In Australia Victoria's Police Department media staff number over 100. Similary they occupy every crucial portfolio of government. These practitioners of the spin arts, unelected, yet paid from the public purse, have moved from the background to the foreground of politics and governmnt, in Australia, corrupting and corroding the system and the quality along the way. Thir function is not to serve the public interest it is to keep their masters safe from scrutiny and responsibility. They hide accountability through distortion and manipulation.

The leaders of Australias' governments have long employed media staff and advisers. They are engaged in a vertical, and horizontal, strategy with emphasis on the
grass roots. Some political observers opine that the adviser is often the real Minister of the government. They often interact with, and direct, the public services as the Minister's representative demanding, cajoling and even admonishing. The Secretaries of public service agencies are often cowed into submission. The code of conduct of public services is to serve the Minister and the government and not the public. The independence of Australia's pulic services is probably a thing of the past.

The politicians rarely control their private staff who act as bull mastiffs. The elected politician, masquerading as "the Minister", is thus protected from interrogation, responsibility and accountability. The Smokey Mirrors team members apply technqiues to allow plausible deniability by the Minister, clouding the crossing of the line into misrprepresenation and lies. During the last two decades the Labor, and Liberal, Parties, have refined the process of manipulation of opinion, information and belief using sophisticated management, media, PR and perception framing tools.

Smokey, with multiple personas, is the Director of these Covert Directorates. They can be found in the Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms, Department of the Premier, Chief Minister and the Australian Prime Minister and Cabinet, Ministry and the Dark Arts Aagency. The medias ometimes refer to these agencies as "dirt units". These Directorates are staffed by thousands of perception, and truth, manipulators, sequestered within the precincts of Parliament Houses, and the public service departments and agencies, across the nation. When public service jobs are cut these staff advisers, and contractors, of the spin arts are immune.

Smokey Mirrors has designed, and inculcated, standard operational templates throughout Australia's federal, state, and territory governments and public service structures. Smokey Mirrors, and clones, are the most powerful
"Spin Doctors" in Austalia. The hidden government.

Code named: "Smokey", this person is a member of all political parties, the Australian Council of Trade Unions, the Australian Conservation Foundation, the unions and the institutions, universities and within business itself. Smokey's staff are the parasites, and termites, eroding democracy eating away at the fabric until only a hollow shell is left. Smokey Mirrors is a missionary in both the physical, and the mental sense, spreading the gospel of rancid political parties, dogmas and government practice. Pay Smokey, or buy a table at a party function and you can buy access to democracy, and government decision makers, that the ordinary person cannot afford.

Note to Smokey Mirrors from Jools Gillard, PM, May 2013

Dear Smokey

The last time I wrote to you was in 2010 and I was on a roll. Who thought it would all end like this?

In tears?

As my curtain comes down

To be beaten by misognysts! Outrageous. I would do beter with hobbits by my side. I can't choose my friends and I do like the rigged boys and girls in our trade unions. They are very inventive and told me I would do good one day. I trusted the stuff I was told and that Swine didn't produce a surplus! He didn't produce a tinkle and the farm has gone. I never did think Stevie Convertible would ever look good with red underpants on his head and no one bid in his rooten spectrum election, it was a billion short! Then Swine's mining tax and Cornbred's carbon muffler didn't stop the big fart noises. The carbon price in Europe is something more suited to KMart than David Jones. Swine and Cornbred tell me it will rebound.

Oh smokey where did it all go wrong? I visited the tarot card people, and we employed the tea leaves readers and that end of the world freak to run our warming scenarios. The sea didn't rise a zip off Adeliade let alone 5 metres. No ice fell of the North or South Poles to write home about. As for the moral question of our time well that went well.

I imported Snark Narble, from the UK, guru of low grade late night reality politics but for what?

Candy Wrong made up numbers like Swine does and peddled them to me. Simon, the Scream, well I despatched him to the long walk withdrawing his ministerial car and fountain pen. The gall, the enfrontery to tell me to get on my bike! I let his tires down didn't I? I am surrounded by people who make up numbers, Snoot I ConU said it was 10,000 and it was really ten.

The National Broadband Network rolls out like a snail leaving a trail of nasty stuff and Convertible hasn't a clue what to do. I am going to ban betting odds cause the bookmakers have got me on a million to one to win. The cheek. Toady Frankfurt wants to go from being a semi particulate parliamentary secretary to a full blown Minister. People are throwing peanuts from the gallery onto my side of the house. Smokey what's it all about Alfie?

housands are going on fishing holidays and ending up at the edge of Australia trying to get a table at the Christmas Island Country Club. It's booked out and wil be so for years to come. Swine has bought an abacus and talks to himself in his office bidet closet, forever spraying his buttocks which are smarting. Stephen Snitch is locked up in a dorm at Russell viewing videos. Antony Elbow is fixated with where planes might land. Billy Shortpants is topping up his super and The Butler is looking for a home. Peter Ballbearing is counting children in schools. Where will it all end?

Smokey I need a good punch line, a hard hitting tag that defines who I am. I await your response breathless.

Note to Smokey Mirrors from Jools Gillard, PM, November, 2010

Dear Smokey

Looking at the news footage last night it appears that I have a big arse. Is this the case or is it a mirage, trick of lighting and the way those cretins in the media photograph me? I can assure you I wear the trousers in my world. Politics is man's world so I bought 400 safari pants outfits and black and white power jackets. I wear long coats to hide things under. My wand cannot be detected. I have amny alternative outfits and in case I don't make it in politics I may have to join the Flying Bats Circus or Cirque De Solei.

There are some cruel poeple out there. Some people say I am bereft of an idea but I can tell them I have a few ideas of my own and some that I have borrowed from Kev, and any day now they will see the new "Julia's, ideas and mystic wonders show". Until then I am keeping it under the table.

I have stopped parliament, and the bureaucracy, from using pencils because they contain carbon and when I price carbon a pencil will be $US100.00. That will dovetail nicely into the education revolution in schools. Therea re no carbon walls in my halls.

Whilst I was overseas I saw that the gays are rising up in Australia and about to over run parliament. I think we should identify them all. The Pope has just said that there are special occasions when condoms can be used! Can you believe it!

Can you tell me who is running the governmet today and who was running it last week? I have not done the roster for next year yet. I am thinking of letting Bob Brown be Prime Minister for a week, then Bob Katter and Tony Windsor. What do you think?

I went down to
Victoria. Brumby's looking a bit iffy. No one told me that there were crooks in Victoria! I thought it was just NSW that was on the nose. That flea Beck who predicted the hung federal parliament says that Victoria should be hung too! He has devoted a whole web site to you and me!

Kev Rudd wants an increase in his staff budget for Foreign Affairs, what a cheek! When he was in he cut the deparment's arse out of its pants and now when he getssecond prize after the mid term technical kniock out I gave him he wants to upgrade. He is talking about fourteen years back. There is a rumour that he checked to see if I had come here by boat. I need your advice on climate. Garrett said two years ago that it would never rain again and half of Austalia has floated away and the dsert is now an inland sea. Rudd said it was the greatest moral challenge of our time and no one gave a stuff. Now every scientist in the world is jumping ship because East Anglia's in box fell onto the net. Penny's done a bunk into Finance. She still sounds like she is wheezing up a drain when she talks. Maybe a radio career? Could sound very sexy on late night radio with jazz tracks and mystery guests.

Cuddly Joe bear, stuck a pencil, and rubber, up Swanee's nose and that's another reason why I have banned them. I am wondering where my replacement credit card is? Have you got yours? Wayne lost his crib sheets that you sent him and couldn't put three syllables together. He sounded like a doll with a flattening battery. Reckoned he was doing stuff in his office and Joe had no right to steal his thunder. Don't expect he'll get a card renewal anytime soon.

I got a call from Wilkie about the new road tunnel between Port Melbourne and Burnie in Tasmania. A call from Tony Windsor about some rotten asbestos mine near Barraba (is that in Israel near Jerusalem?) that is poisoning the water and the locals slowly. Do they vote labor? Got a call from Oakeshott who wants another twenty staff and an office in the Caribbean, Katter wants hats, Texan, Mexican and South American ones. Some of the outlanders want new boyfriends, and girl friends, (bi-denominational) and one wants a blow up doll. Demands demands that all I get. Snark Darble, and Fatty Carbunkle, want to count Koala Bears. My beau wants a tie because he does not have one. Balancing the parliament is a full time job for a concierge.

Don't forget the agenda is due out Friday for what we are to all to think during during the holidays.

Love Jools, PM


Australia's Emmission Trading Scheme

Game Strategy

ETS Arguments and the Moral Crisis of Our Time
Oh Minister It's Not True
Australia's Governments & Public Service Commentary Site

Politicians, and Governments, Corroding Australia

Is Kevin Rudd
Bringing Australia's Commonwealth Public Service Down?


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USA Politics Now Click on image

Sociology, tools for interpreting
and testing, spin speak

Information, Commentary and Reporting Sources

Can't spin this one

The public service managers of key agencies in Victoria seem to have suffered a lobotomy at the hands of the Victorian labor government. Their ineptitude is apalling and 173 people are dead, over 400 injured and many have lost everything.

Despite having presided over destruction, and death, through incompetence, the senior bureaucrats remain in their roles. The Chief Commissioner of Police appeared in the Victorian Bush Fire Royal Commission and opined that the whole exercise was about words and their interpretation - "command and control", detached from the reality and accountability of a cavalcade of witless testimony.

This is the detached ignorance of basic reality and human concepts. It is a bureaurcatic piece of mumbo jumbo, tripe. Such displays of cerebral distemper, as are recorded, by the Royal Commission, in the statements, and cross examination, of the senior officers of agencies are an insult to the intelligence of the people within Victoria who care about the quality of their government and public service. Why John Brumby would even think that their empty words were of merit and their gobbly gook credible is beyond my comprehension. Why he is the Premier is also beyond my comprehension.

The Premier Mr Brumby, and the Ministers who were, and are still, in charge of emergency services, should have resigned soon after this disaster. Political parasites, spin doctors and party apparatchiks, without conscience, ethics, integrity and morals, infest the state governments across the Australian nation.

Go to KEVINRBECK latest commentary

The World of the Web


Joseph Turow summarises, in this linked article, how marketers are using new technologies to make it "harder than ever for audiences to escape, and resist, their advances. "

" One practice, "seeding," blends "publicity, product placement, and public relations." Seeding can involve hiring actors for "clandestine campaigns that 'may consist of seeding chat rooms, blogs and forums with paid-for messages,'" as one marketer explained. A Weber Shandwick executive described the goal as to "enlist, equip and harness the power of trusted, informed and credible messengers." Another tool, "behavioral targeting," allows marketers to customize online ads, depending on Web pages visited and searches performed.

Soon, "registration data, your movements on their site, and even information about you that they've purchased from a third party" will also be available to marketers. Offline examples of behavioral targeting include customizable cable TV commercials and convenience store coupons.
SOURCE: Boston Globe, August 27, 2006
For more information or to comment on this story, visit PR Watch:
Go to PR Watch

This same technique of the corporate world, euphemsitically called spin (when it is simply lies) has been embraced by Australia's governments. You will note the sudden (June - July 2009) rise of politicians (particularly higher ranking Australian politicians) turning to mobile short messaging. They are twitters. To adopt this technological rubbish is insulting to thinking voters. However the advisers in the Australian Prime Minister's office seem to struggle with mature activity and government process. Within the political office of the twit sits a kid whose job is to take a thousand word policy, or extended thought (if they actually have one) and turn it into six words. These are the feckless, and stupid, ideas that emanate out of the modern Minister, Premier or Prime Minister's offices, all added together to manipulate the Australian voter. Politicians who tun to these devices cannot be taken seriously as legislators and visionearies in our governments. Such practices demonstrate the paucity of intelelctual, and cognitive, leadership of those who inhabit high public office in Australia. The Prime Minister has a blog and places short 300 word platitudes on it. He is, to my mind, not to be taken seriously. By comparison Nick Xenophon and Steve Fielding, independent Senators, show more maturity in public office than the Prime Minister of Australia dose ranting to staff and a woamn on a plane about the food.

Technology designed to communicate to, and interact with,
politicians, governments, public officials, executives at every level in corporations, associations, institutions, communities, interest groups
and individuals across the web. An activist utility.

If this section is blank turn your active content on.

Through a looking glass brightly

Coreographed Play - Canbarra Dreams
Act 600, scene 1

Theme: Politician Dart Vadeer, crosses the floor of the inner sanctum swirling the cape behind. He is agitated. All is not going to plan. That is if there ever was a plan. Who decided that Dart should take over hospitals in the first place? Someone said that the Australian system was going at a discount of 40%. Someone said that 60% was the new 100%. Always unable to identify who said what to whom and when.

The door opened and the curved Swan entered. Feathers were fluffed out. "That evil wild horse in Victoria has cruelled he cried", flopping down in the chair. Dart snorted that this horse needed breaking. The door opened again and Dart's favourite fairy entered. She was carrying an apple. It was spiked with poison. She suggested feeding it to the horse. Where was Rigour Mortis, Dart wanted to know? No one replied. There was a knock. They held their breath. Who knocks? Maybe it was opportunity? Dart's head of Department, Moore - Anne, came in, with a new script and plan and a bag of money. He gave it to the Swan. Teddy, offre this, Moore said. Swan hated being called Teddy. He wanted to know who nicknamed him Teddy?

Major Entrails, was on the phone and he had been going over the GST (Gee See That) and thought maybe that it was not a good idea to try the heist. Dart whinged that he was the boss and people like Horse were there to be ridden and occasionally whipped. He shouted out for Wonder Boy, and said Alice Don't Stare At Me. Why wasn't the tried, and tested, practice of spinning the story and the media working? The truth after all had been locked away, and a fiction of wild imagination was released. Nothing was going to plan. Smokey Mirrors needed to make up more stories. The cast rushed out to find Smokey. The shadowy Abbott of The Hill stepped out from behind the curtains, he was invisible in his velcro and leotards. The budgey smugglers encapsulated the crown jewels. He munched his iron man tablets and pondered his next move. He jumped on his invisible bike and peddled down the corridor, bum in the air, the wind whistling between his ears.

Memo to: Smokey Mirrors
Senior Adviser on Mendacity
Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms
Office of the Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament of the Select Few

From: Kev 07: Prime Minister for 600 promises and gross stuff ups
Date: April 1, 2010

Dear Mr. Mirrors

The numbers don't add up and the population, though they are semi literate and numerate, according to Jools, unfortunately know that 60% does not equal 100% and the 33% GST belongs to someone else. So we need a new abacus. Get me a mathematician, one of Wong's lot, who can massage numbers and tell real good stories. I have to make the hospital deal equal 100% and the Premiers do not like being conned. They see themselves on the inner and have their own con men and women on the public purse without being snowed by mine.

I have uttered the key words you gave me, miracles, water into wine, surgical removal of cankers and thrown in some pictures of new foxy nurses and 1,500 George Clooney ER types who will staff my own Neverland of hospital empire. I have promised to keep the rat infested rural centres open, in some form or another without being specific. That woman in charge of health, what's her name, has not set up all of the super clinics and we are only at promise number 3.

Are we sure the tactic of never being specific is a good one? I have learned the scripts of Black Adder, and Monty Python, off by heart as you directed.

During the meeting with Johnny Horse in Victoria I chirped that his mate Madden, the bean stalk, really knew how to cook up a deal and maybe I should employ him. I wonder what ever happened to your staff member in the Victorian Minister's department? I could use some subterfuge, sham consultation and media. Snake Grisscom came to visit me and I am thinking of making him Minister for Hospitals. He has some ideas how to massage the Premiers particularly Horse.

I have just made a Minister for Rooting (population enlargement supplements) and I have booked a session with you for him to discuss his review of bedrooms and back seats of cars. He is keen and has seen some
populations. He is to undertake a study, research, a thesis, book review, desktop review, crystal ball and Tarot card reading course and 300 day world trip, and come up with a tome on population. I will put it in a Pullitzer Prize. Another crucial problem facing us has been overcome by me. I feel nebullious again as if nothing can stop me. Though I am worried that I am pale and have no reflection.

I am sitting at my desk wearing my Captain Crisp cape and boots with matching silver mask. I stare at my favourite painting "Wind in the Willows", the story of a bespectacled mole who came to be a significant politician. I like fairy tales. Have I told you my Nambour story? Or how I lived in a shoe box? It is really stirring stuff. I counted my moleskin slacks and blue shirts yesterday. I have nine hundred. Do you think they make me look washed out?

Brute Force, was in here rattling on about Telstra and he wants to break it up and cut all of its copper cable up and flog it off to reduce budget debt. He has an idea for a bana cable (NBN) and he thinks that you can make a good story out of that using rodents like the telco animal advertisements to tell the story.

I am thinling of buying Gauntanamo Bay and transferring everyone off
Christmas Island.

Alternatively the CIA have got all of these empty planes and are advertising rendition discounts. I quite liked the discipline programme you developed for John Howard and the coalition.

In a few moments Clarice Vixen (sporting a new look) will arrive to discuss her progress on "Fair Work and Comparability to Slavery" thesis paper that I have commissioned. I just completed a meeting with cabinet on the spin factor in portfolio management directing that they ramp it up to at least 99.9%. That allows us a margin for slither.

Well I am looking forward to your methodology to make 60 = 100 and, pack your bags as we are going on another round of specificity meetings.

Best regards

Kev, forever

Memo to: Smokey Mirrors
Senior Adviser on Mendacity
Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms
Office of the Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament of the Select Few Canberra

From: Pete Garrett, Minister for Surplus Fluff, Spot Fires and Indignant Crooning
Date: February 28, 2010

Dear Mr. Mirrors

I urgently need a plan, and talk sheet, for the unfortunate events that have occurred in my life of late, and which are extrapollated in peoples' houses all over the place. There are some very shady types making a lot of money off my brilliant plan to stick stuff in the nation's upper bellfries. Now there is a problem that these opportunists (I hate them, I hate them, I hate them) have made zillions and in the process managed to kill a few people and burn some houses. Minor irritations from my view, since I did all that I could and I did it my way. This is not a good look for me. Do we have insurance policies? Some rude, anonymous person, wrote and suggested that it is difficult to get insurance for stupidity.

It is all a media, and political, beat up, can you spin that line? Will it fly? What career have I left? I can't go back to my whale watching, toad counting and Mick Jagger girating hips routines. I quite like the pension plan we have here. Kev Rudd took some of my really good work and gave it away to Scat and the Ferrett.

I also have 14 million pink batts in my office that I bought on spec, what can I do with them? Maybe send them to Africa and the Middle East? Osama can line his caves. Is it true that I am to be an effigy at this year's Halloween celebrations? Help me Smokey. Just like you helped Brian Bourke, Bob Carr, Paul Lennon, the chair sniffer in Western Australia (forgot his name) and the other skaters.

Regards and here is a signed album for your record collecton, "Beds Are Burning".

Yours ever, Pete

Memo to: Smokey Mirrors
Senior Adviser on Mendacity
Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms
Office of the Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament of the Select Few Canberra

From: Constantly Wong, Minister for Trickles, Puddles, Hot Air and Excrement Trading Schemes
Date: November 2009

Dear Mr. Mirrors

I write to you about the terrible situation I am in regarding my personal fantasies on Climate Change, and the erroneous truths and schematics (ETS). The scientists upon whose statements I relied have been found to be less than forthcoming about their alchemy. Now I look like a goose and Squirt was not impressed at Copenhagen. His toupe was all lopsided from having to line up to get into the conference. He spoke in tongues of the future, and the past, and I did not have my interpreter with me. I thought he might be praying. The Chinese had a secret meeting and did deals and then they snubbed Al Jolson.

The hordes took control and I noticed there were a lot of boat people at Copenhagen just like at Christmas Island. They are everywhere.

Squirt gave me a list of new lies to learn and I need to have lessos in meandering, and spectrum enunciation. I have to learn to monotone and look serious like our beloved androgenous. The PM looks at his shoes when he is being serious. Joe Hockey tries to look at his shoes and Abbott isn't wearing any. He needs some red meat I think. Is he an incarnation of a field scarecrow or a product of climate change?

I also need a prescription for head ache pills as well as a list of unseamly words to cover for Pete's stuff up. The PM is calling in the Fixer to take over Pete's portfolio of pink batts and alfoil. Fixer knows about crooks in the trade from his time as super hero in the unions. Though he not a Bob Hawke legend in his own time. Sometimes I think he would have a good career as an undertaker.

Kev Rudd wants me to learn complex synonyms and ancient verbs with ten syllables at least in each. I am to be perfunctory, and specious, both at the same time. As I write I have a million people carrying buckets of water to the Murray Darling Basin, because it will never rain again according to tkat Professor who owns a house on a river bank. I have a zillion megalitres of bottled water going at a good price. I received a memo that I was to get a Cubby Station and have been wondering where I would put it. By the way have you seen that hot little liberal sitting on the benches in parliament house opposite us? I flicked my eyelids her way and she blew air out her nose. My ears were ringing, heart pounding, and I didn't hear the speaker call me. Anyway I hadn't received your weekly prep sheet so I did not know what to say about anything.

This afternoon I have to meet the irrigators and farmers, need a few pointers, and ideas, for discussion. One idea I have is to expand the industry, treating the leather from the crocodile and snake catch to make Australian designer shoes. Are all the irrigators from the Northern Territory?

Finally I need a new set of temperatures to publish for 2010 - 2011 with government guarantees and pictures of Squirt coming out of a church.

We are drafting a bill that demands climate change, whether God likes it or not, and I am running it past Tim in Rome to see if the Pope will sign on to the deal and ask God or maybe make an encyclical. What do you think? Get back to me with my scripts for all the above as quick as you can because an empty head makes me nauseous.


To Smokey Mirrors
Senior Adviser on Mendacity
Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms
Office of the Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament of the Select Few Canberra

Date: June, 29, 2006

Dear Mr. Mirrors

We have never been introduced. My name is Paul Lennon, no relation to John. I am Premier of Tasmania. I have a problem and am told that you provide tuition in dissembling tactics and general dissembling to parliament and the public at large. My public is not that large and the audience is not that discerning but nevertheless, I am a man of simple words, and concepts, and I hope that when you respond you will not use words longer than two syllables.

My problem is that the Deputy Premier, Bryan Green (he is definately that)did a deal with two labor mates. One was a former Minister in the Tasmanian labor government (John White is his current name) and the other comes from the state of cowboys, Queensland, where people who are sick can die comfortably in a hospital instead of at home. His current name is Glen Milliner. Well the deal was to give them a secret contract to run the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation. Secret because Mr. Green did not tell anyone. He never told me and I deny the allegation that he did. I like John Howard am never told anything. Based on not knowing what I was not told (I like Rumsfled's simplicity in this regard about the things we do not know that we don't know)

I stupidly trusted a public servant (as John Howard does) who apparently gave me a number missing a zero. I spouted it in parliament and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing new in that because I then went into spin doctrine number 1. This can be found in the "New Testament According To Lennon" p.1. It is a two page document with one of the pages being the cover. I wrote it all by myself. I will not tolerate anyone repeating that it is really a rhyme about Humty Dumpty! That clown Beck wrote on his stupid web site that it was a simple statement about "Corrupting Tasmania's government and Public Administration to hang onto power". Boy will he get his one day. Beter to ignore him. He uses big words so I have to ignore him.

What is the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation? You may well ask. I have no idea. It apparently accredits builders. It is a very nice and lucrative business. Rude people say that it just takes annual fees of $500 and does nothing! Well what is wrong with that? I do it all the time and so do others in government, although I (we) get a lot more than $500 a week. Anyway, I said that the opposition were turkeys and then they heard me gobbling in my office.

I have an unusual terets type reaction to other politicians and to anyone in general, particularly if they do not salute. I like to dress up in Roman General outfits and on occasion in leather with jack boots on. That is by the by. So then I gave Green a serve and he vomited on my boots. I have instigated an audit into his life and anything else as long as it is not about me or my government, the Tasmanian Compliance Corporation and Queensland hospitals or ours down here. Dangerous you might well say? Well an audit in Tasmania is not like an audit anywhere else. I am the auditor. The people who do it for me are considered mates too. Provided that they do the right thing by me. If they are not they get fired or worse ignored. I am willing to pay you a big fee or put you on a board of something in return for a rewrite of the above manual. I await in anticipation. You can come and play dress up too, if you want.

Paul Lennon, The Honourable

Important Person

Memo to: Smokey Mirrors
Senior Adviser on Mendacity
Corridor of Synonyms and Antonyms
Office of the Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament of the Select Few Canberra

From: Mark Vaile, Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Trade
Date: April 10,2006
Dear Mr. Mirrors

I am to appear before the Cole Royal Commission soon. I have bought a new dictionary to learn words of many syllables. I am not all that worried because the Prime Minister assures me that he has framed the whole thing, terms of reference and the Chronicles of Periphrastic within the Departments, so that no one can point to me or Alex or him for being incompetent. In fact no one can point to anything because there is nothing to point to. Your team has worked assiduously to create second set of records that are perspicuous in every way. You are indeed perspicacious.

I am very worried about this. I thought we had a well honed policy of looking at things and deciding what people are allowed to know what and what story we will tell others. However I must learn to string two sentences together with credibility if I am to get through this. I am, at the instigation of the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff, undergoing amnesia therapy along with the Minister for Foreign Affairs, so that I appear credible when I say that I did nor read the cables from over there (you know where) and never ever was told that I had. I will be pertinacious even to the political death. I will develop a pertussis on the morning of the appearance. I will hold firm until this pestiferous, and interferring, Royal Commission goes away. We can then get on with the public evisceration of the AWB mob.

About the cables. I have always had trouble reading the comics and prefer to have my information given to me on speaking cassettes. Sometimes the tape gets caught in the eight track of the holden ute and it comes out garbled. That is why when I repeat it I sound garbled. The PM says that I need to be coached by you. I'll have my personal assistant book a time.

I remember when we were sworn into Ministerial office that you told us to stand in front of a mirror every day and say, "I did not know", "I was not told" and "I have never read anything of substance". This in addition to either, "I have no recollection" or "I cannot recall." My wife, children and mother in law are very annoyed because this constant rote has caused me to forget their names. Alexander whispers the rote lessons in his closet, he says the echo is both soothing and reinforcing. He has a lot of other things in his closet that are soothing and reinforcing.

I have asked my staff if I knew and they reassured me that I do not know anything. I rang Bush's office and asked his secretary if she thought I knew. She did not know who I was and threatened to ring the FBI if I kept calling. She said George Bush had never heard of me. I am nervous about this. I stammer and appear sweaty when I get questioned closely particularly by real lawyers, not the charlatan types that hang around these corridors masquerading as politicians. Do I look shifty? What way will I part my hair and what colour tie should I wear? An email from a constituent suggested yellow.

I look in the mirror and my eyes are shrunken from trying to learn my answers. It is hard applying myself for more than a few minutes at a time. I think I'll take a leaf out of the PM's book and blame someone else, I'll blame Alexander.

I am taking the regular weekly classes with your staff. I got an "A" in Memory Gymnastics 101 and a "B" in "Somewhere Over the Rainbow Policy Rhetoric". Next I will be doing "The Mr. Bojangles Soft Shoe and Ministerial Impressions"..." I knew a man Bojangles and he' dance for you in worn out shoes...the old soft shoe, he'd jump so high ... and then he'd lightly touch down..." I also hum the conservative party anthem as much as possible, whilst whacking myself with a tuning fork. I love that anthem, "If you go down to the woods to day, you better not go alone's the day the teddy bears have their picnic".
Wish me luck and oh by the way I'd really like to keep the Trade Portfolio because I have learned the technique of "flatus" when dealing with trade negotiators.
Your admirer
Mark Valium

Date: Flexible, early 2005

TO: Smokey Mirrors, Director of Communications
Australian Government (and coincidentally the White House)
And Special Forces Rapid Rebuttal Team of Truth and Criticism
Spin Room 24
Corridor of Synonyms, Antonyms
Parliament House, Canberra, Australia.

From: Minister for Immigration,
Indignant Affairs
and Department of Extreme, and Dangerous, Stupidity

Dear Mr. Mirrors

I write on issues of high priority. There has been a litany of misfortunes besetting my portfolio, which was handed down to me by Lord Syth, who has moved on to become "Overseer General", Caesar of the Legal Maze and Minister, Department for Home Raids and Variable Intelligence.

Among the several hundred disasters and crimes against humanity committed by dedicated types and cultually challenged despots in my new department is the case of a woman of advanced age, somewhere between 104 and 110, an illegal, lurking in the suburbs causing the Department, due to pragmatic regard for the interest of the Australian government, over that of public interest and humanity, someone did not make a decision about her status, as they do and should. Some rude people are calling my portfolio a lumbering one, full of an inordinate number of dills and practitioners of the dark arts. Some of these people have been following me around for many years transferring from my previous responsibilities in education, employment, justice, immigration, multicultural and indigenous and I will discuss a new image with you at a later date, particularly in relation to hair. Have you observed Senator Coonan and Brendan Nelson's hair? What do you think of the styling? I digress, back to the more pressing issues.

This Chinese woman (of indeterminant) was one of many threatening the very fabric of Australian society as we know and love it. The woman has been here for ten years, and unlike the other illegals who are all locked up in the government's desert resorts getting a suntan, or in our inner city five star abodes, this person is running loose in the community. Yes, yes I know what you are thinking, ten years - have I been slumbering waiting for a frog to kiss me? There is some consistency here in that she, and the family, were being mentally tortured through waiting, which is consistent with the policy for treatment of all illegals who are waiting endlessly at our, my and others, pleasure as granted by the High Court of Australia, but questions were being asked as to why we did not lock her up like everyone else? I wanted to! We wanted to! The majority of Australians wanted to and so did the President of the United States, in whom we trust, wanted us to and we have been kindly offered places in Cuba for those difficult cases that can be embarrassing. Sierra Leone is looking a good alternative.

We are always reticent to break down the door in the dead of night and render people a ‘non threat’ because lawyers, refugee advocates and other do-gooders and other enemies of the state, for which we have no regard, are everywhere and ASIO has refused to do these things. Additionally this woman could not be portrayed as a wandering lunatic nor a passing tourist of uncertain heritage and vocal nuances, even though she, and they, probably can’t speak real English, as we know it. We deported Alvarez and locked up Rau, but people of advanced age and particular heritage can be influential. The Chinese community is well networked and resourced. You know that they have all of the gold from Bendigo, Castlemaine and elsewhere which they gathered up before James Cook discovered Australia. They own all of the good restaurants, pleasure venues frequented by an influential cross section of business, community, liberal and labor party supporters and union executives. They have so much money that offering them $600,000 to dredge their pool or local creek, using the very special vote-buying fund for elections, and other government interests, that we used in late 2004 does not entice them. They will however consider a swap for a casino but we don’t have any. We will have to grant any Chinese person of Chinese origin a pass!

Now we have the Palmer Report, a most revealing insight into the warped mind of people reflecting the image of their political master of past years gone by. This unwelcome document dissects how an Australian resident was locked up for a serious amount of time and tortured mentally because she was deemed to be an unidentifiable, illegal immigrant. There are 200 more, give or take a dozen or twenty or fifty cases, who f--- knows! that are also about to hit the fan and splatter all over my new dress.

At wits end I am seeking deployment of your Special Forces ‘rapid rebuttal’ team, skilled in the use of antonyms, and synonyms, to reduce the pending Palmer document to toilet paper. The ideas you put forward should be as creative as the lines and justification used for the Iraqi invasion, denial and then approval of the additional military deployment, last announced by the Prime Minister, who is friend of George Bush, in whom we trust. You might be able to reuse the Children Overboard Pictures. Why waste a proven good piece of smoke and mirrors? Pictures should be cropped and presented in optional formats. The solutions must show as much innovation as our proposals for industrial relations and general management of Australia.

By the way, you must be complimented for arranging a rechristening, by the New York Times, of our PM, to "Premier of Australia" during his last visit to America. This yet again, demonstrates the high esteem in which our PM is acknowledged, known, held, and observed, by the highly educated media, and others, in the USA.

You are continually smoothing the PM’s future path onto the American speaking circuit although some are wondering how you will overcome the propensity he has for talking through his nose? Do you know when, and if, he will decide to allow Pete Cossytallow to smell the leather chair and sit at the borer infested timber desk that JW polishes every morning with his sweaty track suit top?

Is it true that you are arranging entry to the US hall of fame, for special people who are loyal to the White House and Dubya, with attendant honourary citizenship? I would like to put my name down and I have been practicing my American and I watch all of the TV programmes to get an idea of the culture and nuances.

The synonyms you have made up for Parrot Rhymes to use in the Senate Estimate hearings, are breathtaking and wondrous indeed. The art of using the same repetitive phrase in answer to 100 questions really gets on the opposition's goat. Then there are the gems you created for the PM such as, ‘I had a change of heart’, ‘we did not contemplate’, " I do not give a rats as to your contrary opinion", "the truth is whatever I deem it today to be", "I never remember yesterday", "I was never minded", "No snot told me", and those killer statements that roll of his tongue flowing seamlessly, "I was finally persuaded", "I found a heart," "after contemplating I became minded" and that classic, used by every politician in Australia, "the reality is at the end of the day". I look forward to a speedy reply and remain yours as ever.

J. W. Philamandalexclone Minister for Indignant Affairs
Department of Extreme, and Dangerous, Stupidity.

Playing Touch In Australia's Senate

Senator, the Honourable, "The Finger"


Dear Finger

I write on the matter of your raised digit to Honourable Members of Australia's Senate, the upper house, owned solely by the mandate claimed by the coalition of the liberal and national parties, now ,and in the past by the Australian Labor Party, but never by the people of Australia.

Dr. Snark Darble, the concierge, and Secretary, of Prime Wines and Cabernet, rang me and asked me to view a video of your latest non verbal contribution to debate in the Australian Senate. I note that your gesture was a result of a Division outcome and that it demonstrated your potential to be double jointed, finger dextrous, entertaining and decisively riveting all at once. The bells ringing have been known to seriously disturb the "representative swill" as a former Prime Minister described the members of the chamber. By comparison to you there are many members of parliament who cannot chew gum and walk at the same time. So what a feat the finger is. We clapped loudly here in the Corridor of Spin and Mirrors at Parliament House,

Snark was jealous at first of your notoriety and then he was concerned. Concern is rare for Snark but it has been more apparent an attribute as he has battled depression following his release from Villawood Detention Centre where he was inadvertently interred by Immigration, for a period of seven months, whilst on a walking assignment in Lakemba, NSW looking for a souvlaki. Snark’s language skills, dialect and intonation make it difficult to identify him as a citizen of anywhere, least of all Australia.

However I digress.

We here at the Department of Incremental Synonyms, Sleight of Hand and Antonyms (DISSA) have debated the value of the use of the finger as a mechanism for serious debate,and code signalling, during question time. It contains more substance, passion and sense than your normal contribution to parliamentary debate. I ran it past Brillcream Turkey for comment and inspiration, he guffawed and smarmied a response in guttural chit chat but the Telstra exhange machine between here and his office in Western Australia, that gets you numbers when you talk to it in Intel speak, kept referring us to an operator for translation of Wil’s voice content. I deciphered after a spell however that he thought you were brighter than Barnaby who he clearly flagulated with the incisive wit, and articulation, for which Iron Bar is known and loved by all in sundry.

I was going to ask your brother, the Honourable Minister for Dirt, Grass and Little Piggies, and from time to time masquerading as the Man from Snowy River, what he thought but then realised that he has been heavily involved with tractors, potatoes and sticky labels. Some people have given him the finger and he may be biased and irritable about it. He is being lead down the veritable garden path by his new department who are second guessing him, second guessing consumers, farmers, food and the Food and Grocery council, Restaurant and Caterers association and every other person who may know about the evils of apples from NZ and irradiated prunes from anywhere, and what is in biscuits, buns, fruit juice and bread other than sugar and who makes snow. He could adopt the finger as a response in his speeches and in interacting with others.

After all of this we decided that it might be a family trait from having lived and grown up in middle earth. Feeling left out of being an average battler and stuff like that or it could simply be a country trait of friendship and familiarity similar to what happens when wearing shorts and playing rugby league.

The President of the Senate said it was unseemly but not obscene. We have referred it to Big Brother for adjudication.

You are my Australian idol and
I remain yours and others too
Smokey Mirrors
Director of Miscommunications and Synonyms and Antonyms< Australian Government.
cc. Shnark Darble
Minister Assisting the Minister Assisting the Minister

Senator, the Honourable, B Jokester


Dear B

I write on behalf of the Prime Minister the Honourable, and revered Sir Robert Menzies, reincarnated as John Winston Howard.

The Honourable, the Prime Minister, friend of George Bush and Oprah Winfrey, has asked me to tell you that he does not appreciate a lecture in the Australian Constitution which he studied in school and has a copy on his book shelf. He is up to page two and says that it is a bit dry and he does not believe (a) that you can read for your are from Queensland and (b) even if you could you have not got through it faster than him. If you have you should be polite enough not to say so publicly. He thinks you are quoting from the little book of Mao.

I think he was jealous at first of your notoriety and the fact that you have got more television coverage in two days than he has had in his career. Then he was concerned when he saw you muscle up to the aged and very dog eared Senator Huffy Heffer who the Honourable the Prime Minister definitely knows has never heard of the Constitution. The Honourable the Senator Huffy Heffer knows well enough that role of a Senator is whatever John Winston Howard says it is when he says so..

Are you serious, for real? The PM thinks you are new and that you are young and that you are frivolous and he thinks you are frisky and that you are cute and that you have nice eyes. He likes your chubby cheeks and naive grin. He would like to invite you to late night supper with him and the sardonic, and very likeable, Brillcream Turkey (Western Australia) who is a fan of yours, and Wills would like to introduce you to the ritual of the Iron Bar. Do you have a sixties flared suit? It is initiation time and you should not be playing hard to get.

The Prime Minister invites you to join that most exclusive of clubs, the Party Room, that owns Parliament House, every bloody room and every chair and the chambers and the walls and the roof where you were seen looking whilst lounging in the Senate Chamber on the first day. We have pictures, you lay about! The party room wrote the Constitution, the Bible, the Qran, the Book of Jobe and the script for Silence of the Lambs and is a Nobel Prize winner and is just the ants pants.

Get with the programme Slick lest you be bedevilled with dreams and nightmares of a life without patronage, condemned for ever to be a servant of the people. Yuck! Excuse any spelling mistakes and eat this communication after you receive it.

We here at the Department of Incremental Synonyms, Sleight of Hand and Antonyms (DISSA) do not like smartie pants who quote from things we have never actually seen, JW, has the only copy of the Australian Constitution and is having it reprinted for a modern age.

The President of the Senate said you were unseemly in your comments but not obscene. We have referred this matter the liberal and national party privileges committee and your lunch vouchers have been suspended until Telstra is sold. Swell Big Hair, Minister for Shares, Starts and Silent Farts, says she is not phased by your recalcitrant behaviur and bragging about your ability to read. She has bags of money to give away and knows that the Nats and the Bugs can be bought for a few pieces of silver. If you contiue to quote from the Constitution and state that you represent that bloddy state of Cane Toads you will be pissed upon from a great height by liberal head kicker Spruce Lonesome Tree and his most senior mate Terdy About. So be very careful for what you wish for.

You are the new boy on the block
And remain mine and others too until graduation
Smokey Mirrors
Director of Snide Asides, Synonyms and Antonyms

Ref: DIMIA 12345

17 February 2005

Mr. Stateless Person of Interest
Suite 4
Red Wing
Baxter Resort
South Australia

Dear Stateless Person of Interest

This communication with you conforms to the Australian Cabinet approved Book of Synonyms and Antonyms, as edited by Smokey Mirrors, for use in telling anyone about anything.

Thanks for your letter of 4 September 2001 relating to your request for special consideration for compassion and release.

I was surprised to receive your letter, because I was not aware that people such as you could write. I hope that you have not been undertaking schooling whilst in your special place, because that is not allowed. If you were to tell me confidentiality who wrote the letter for you I might look upon your case more favourably. Here I should state, that the fact you are twelve years old cuts no ice and it is time someone pointed out to you, and all the other `illegal? types like you, in the world, the reality, at the end of the day.

Under authority, conferred upon me by the Queen of England, and endorsed by the Cabinet of the Australian government with the acquiescence of the Australian people and the guidance of Smokey Mirrors, the Director of Communications of the Australian Liberal Party and coincidentally of the White House, you are to be placed under contribution.

As an extra benefit, the High Court of Australia has ruled that we are in charge of your life and can detain you at our, and especially my, pleasure, for as long as I/we like. It may not yet be clear to you that we, in Canberra, the government, and autocracy of this great nation, do like to and as the Australian refugee group says, you should Chilout (

I want you to be fully aware of our rights as specified under the unilateral provisions for the War on Diversity and Culture, adopted by Australia, in complementary and unquestioning acceptance from our supreme political church leader, George Bush, President, of the United States, in whom we trust.

As an incarcerated non-citizen, here in Australia, in Iraq, Egypt, Afghanistan, Cuba or anywhere else we and our associates may choose, you are subject to being watched, inspected, and spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, and controlled. You can be checked, estimated, valued, censured, and commanded. This is public pretext of general interest and we do this, on behalf of the superior people of the great nations of Australia and the United States in whom we trust, hallelujah and the representative of God on earth be praised and no it is not the Pope I am referring to!

I may require, and I do, that you be drilled, fleeced, exploited, monpolilised, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed and be robbed of your liberty. If you show the slightest resistance, the private police, military and media advisers, psychiatrists on our payroll and any others we deem qualified, regardless of mental agility and intelligence quotient may interview and interrogate you. In doing so they may carry guns, work with dogs and other unspecified animals, feel you up, pull down your panties, snigger and take pictures etc. You may be subject to harassment, be hunted, be abused through torture or other device, without recourse to any rule of law or justice for you are a non citizen, a persona non gratis and a low life by comparison to us.

If we choose, and we do, you may be vilified and condemned, without proof, for throwing your children over board, for surviving the sinking of Siev ? X or for being deemed to be in possession of weapons of mass destruction and for consorting with known or suspected terrorists at school, which we know was really a training camp.

You may be held on suspicion of being person of a particular unacceptable descent, or belief, who has no regard for God?s chosen nation, the United States of America, and the President, in whom we trust.

You, or your family or countrymen, may be bombed and there is no requirement upon us, or the Americans with whom we travel, to count the numbers of how many we kill. You may be clubbed, disarmed, shot at and killed, stripped naked, be made to simulate sex or any other activity that we of the "coalition of the willing" and the divine of right may decide. You may be bound, checked, imprisoned (in your own country or here), judged, condemned, deported, sacrificed, sold, and betrayed.

That is the system of government here in Australia and in places where the United States has neat technology, lots of hardly educated soldiers and likely commercial interests. That is justice and that is morality, and you have no recourse according to Proudhon, in Nozick, 1854.

You might like to console yourself that we are not biased. Officers from the department lock up Australians, French visitors on holidays and passing Koreans and anyone else we find wandering on the streets that do not speak or look Australian. In Egypt, Iraq and Afghanistan, Pakistan, Cuba and anywhere we are we may if we desire do similar stuff and we don?t have to tell what we are doing and no one cares much anyway.

We are in search of the elusive Bin 29 and I hope for your sake that you do not know where he is. We may come and search your suite at Baxter soon and if not satisfied may send you to another facility, overseas, for mental reclamation and restructure, where we may put electric wires on your genitals to see if we can make your eyes glow.

It is fruitless to consider petitioning the Australian parliament, for we have what we term a ?bipartisan policy? and it is the right of the liberal, national and labor parties that make up the majority of the House of Representatives and the Senate to decide how you may be incarcerated and treated.

In any event the coalition of the John Howard government and the Republican Party of the USA, under the blessed President, George Bush, shall be in charge of the Australian Senate, come mid 2005. The proposition that representatives, Greens, Democrats and Independents, should have any influence is laughable and a fantasy.

There are still pockets of resistance that are putting it about that that this action is perpetrated by creatures who have neither the right or the wisdom, nor the virtue to do so, but that is not our view.

Therefore, based on our compelling rights over yours, your request for special consideration on the grounds of clemency, humanity, morality, conscious regard, decency, religion, fear of loss of life, pending insanity, inhumane treatment, the rules of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, international law and covenants, Geneva Convention, United Nations crap, the Bible and the Koran or any other book in publication or not, is hereby denied.

We, me and others in this nation, know that this is disappointing, but we will keep your details on file should another position in Australia come up and please do not hesitate to apply again.

Please note, children of the age of twelve are not allowed to smoke in Australia and definitely not in a government building. Do you not know that smoking is a health hazard?

As an aside if by chance, at the time of next federal election, you should have relatives, living in Australia, in regional national party and liberal party electorates, or in the very remote possibility you have been released on a "permit" you or they may be eligible for a grant up to $400,000, and a free mobile phone, to open a café or take away business under our "gravy train" and "pig barrel" programmes. The Australian liberal party at the federal level can make pigs fly.

Yours sincerely
John. W. Howiephilamandalexhill - Clone.
Group Minister of the Australian Government

Cc: Ms Cornelia Rau, Australia, Mr. M. Habib Australia, and Mr. David Hicks, Cuba.